The Price We Pay For 'Being' is Suffering

Life is messy, or as Buddha said "life is suffering". One thing for sure is that life is full of obstacles and challenges, and in many ways that's what makes life intersting, multi-layered and provides depth.

Suffering is necessary, without lows we can not experience highs, our life experience becomes shallow and meangingless, the opposite of a rich full life.


Over the last 6 years I have suffered many losses which led to depression. Now that I am beginning to feel myself again. Unless you have experienced depression it is very difficult to comprehend the depths of despair it can take you. For me those moments could be summed up by two words 'fuck it'.

Unfortunately the 'fuck it' attitude led me to make decisions which in turn increased my depression, and resulting in a sense of being stuck. 'Fuck it' is giving up or a giving in when it comes to doing anything to help me climb out of the pit. For example; eating well and exercising. When you are depressed, and dealing with internal struggles, sometimes the only option feels like 'fuck it' because you simply don't have the strength to make things better. I see now how 'fuck it' trapped me in a cycle of self destructive behaviour.

I recently heard a fabulous program on CBC Radio called 'Say No To Happiness' I highly recommend having a listen.

Here are a few snippets which really resonated with me - (not quite verbatim, but close enough)

Happiness doesn't propel us forward, it does not create meaning and purpose. To open yourself up to happiness you have to also open yourself up to deep loss and sorrow. The purpose of life is not happiness, and this is in fact a relief. Life is complex, and tragic and difficult. The problem with the public portrayal of the ideal state of humanness as happiness, is that it makes people feel ashamed of their own suffering. If you are suffering and you find your life tragic in it's essence then that means that there is something wrong with them and this makes it impossible to for them to communicate anything real about their own tragedy.  

"If you are constantly in a state of placidity, satisfaction and happiness then nothing is going to affect you deeply enough; not your own suffering, not the suffering of others, not injustice, not the horrors of the world, then nothing is going to affect you deeply enough so that you become deep and life without depth is by definition shallow and meaningless, and the problem is that because life is tragic and involves suffering, if your philosophy is shallow and meaningless when you suffer you will become recently and hostile and self critical and then you will become cruel and destructive and so not only is there a necessity for your own mental health to forth rightly confront the deepest questions of life but if you don't you become a danger to yourself and more importantly to others."

At the end of the show they talk about the benefits of using your values as a compass to navigate through life, rather than happiness.

One way to examine your values is to find words which represent your consciousness, here are mine;

• Loving
• Kindness
• Compassion
• Courage
• Curiosity
• Complexity
• Childlike wonder
• Nature lover
• Humour

An excercise which can help you connect with you values is to list three people you admire. You don't need to know them, they don't even have to be real, they can be ficticious, superheros, animated characters. Once you have this write down some of the qualities that you like about these people. Often this list will mirror your own values - what we admire in others is actually what we admire about ourselves.

~ Future Forward 

Review of my 'Life Evolve Project' Plan

I started this blog in January 2012 with an intention of evolving my life or propelling my future forward. My original plan included 2 overall goals, some concepts to support these goals as well as my specific goals (below).

As with many aspects of my life, it seems to be my character to be over ambitious... I also faced several challanges - a shoulder injury hindered my exercise goals making it impossible to snowboard, swim or cycle for 3 months and my recurring depression sapped my motivation and energy. NOw that I've overcome these obsicles I am ready to pick up where I left off!

I've added a few notes below as I refect on each goal;

My specific goals are;

• Yoga daily at home daily +3 classes weekly
• I have started my daily practise at home but have not been to any classes yet. Living in an area filled with yogies I feel a little apprehensive about going to a class, it plays into my core beliefs around not fitting in and not being good enough.
• Meditate daily (increasing to 30m per day)
• I'll admit this practise has fallen by the wayside, I intend to start again.
• Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction & Relaxation Workshop (45m per day + weekly class)
• I completed this class and foudn it very helpful
• Writing daily - journal, reflections, Future Forward blog
• I have been writing but I would like to spend more time on this
• Reading daily, see reading list
• My focus and therefore reading list has changed, it now includes 3 books on writing, more on this later 
• Produce and show a Photography art project
• I still really want to do this and now have a clearer idea of what I want to produce and where to show it
• Create and share my 'Home History' art project
• I started this project and gained a great deal of insight into myself by going through the process, I no longer feel it is important but I plan to blog about my experience
• Walk 30+ minutes daily
• As an owner of a large dog this goal is never a problem
• Swim 3 x weekly
• I have started swimming again and my local outdoor pool is very close and almost warm enough!
• Snowboard regularly, improve switch and air skills
• Due to injury I didn't want to risk falling but I did manage 9 days on the mountain last season
• Bike to Granville Island, weekly
• I rode my bike for the first time in 3 years last week!!

My focus now is connecting with a career which is inline with my passions, values, and strengths. I plan to share my experience creating new career for myself in Communications.

Thanks for reading!

~ Future Forward

I'm Back!

Wow, what the heck happened?

Almost 3 months has gone by since I posted!

As we all know, especially in cases where denial is involved, it's possible for the days to turn into weeks, to turn into months, and if we aren't careful we're in our 80's wondering what the heck happened to our lives.

I've been thinking about Future Forward everyday. The main reason I've been hesitant to write again is because after my last post something magical started to happen... I started feeling less depressed!!

While this is great news of course, it became one of those situations where I didn't want to say the words for fear that it would all unravel. Like an artist who doesn't want to discuss their latest work for fear of jinxing it, I was afraid that if I wrote about feeling better that my depression would somehow come back.

But today I'm feeling brave so - since the middle of February my depression has pretty much disappeared. I appreciate that there are several factors which have contributed to this but it is such a relief that it still feels almost too good to be true.

Factors contributing to my reduced depression;

• Regular therapy sessions helped me to acknowledge and work through my problems and fears alleviating their hold on me and my moods.
• Regular exercise helped regulate my moods and increase my self worth, respect and esteem
• Daily meditation, mindfulness and/or active relaxation helped calm my mind, create balance and focus my efforts.
• Striving for wellness I got tested for std's, got my blood checked and got tested for food allergies. Keeping on top of my health is the kind of self care which helps me feel worthy.
• Resolving old disconnections through communication helped me let go of people and memories which were not serving me.
I feel less depressed partly because of my proactive efforts to fight for my happiness and that feels great.

Since I last wrote I have kept very busy moving home and working towards a new career.

Next post I'm going to review and revise my original goals and intentions when I began Future Forward.

Be kind to yourself.


~ Future Forward