Human Beings not Human Doings

Tonight was my 2nd Mindful Based Stress Reduction class. I had a rough day and was feeling overwhelmingly  agitated, angry and sad.  We started the class with a long Body Scan meditation which was helpful.  

In the discussion after Brett talked about how we not only become used to comfort, but demand it. The itch which must be scratched, the uncomfortable position we are urged to shift, our desire for pleasure can be overwhelming. While this might seem like a logical response it leaves little room for acceptance of the reality of discomfort.

Brett talked about the duality of comfort/discomfort, light/dark, ups/downs, pleasure/pain; you can't have one, joy, without the other, sadness. The benefit of learning to accept discomfort is the ability to create space for things like grief. When you focus on pain or discomfort it often shifts, it is dynamic, an urge to sneeze can mysteriously disappear once it is given awareness and acceptance.

We talked about how hard it can be to let go of 'doing' and being okay with just 'being' - accepting the present moment for exactly what it is - letting go of fantasy, fixing, worrying, judging...

"Worrying is like planning for what you don't want"

After our discussion we discussed our homework from last week which led to some more interesting insights and then we did our first sitting meditation. Brett told us of a way to use counting to help focus our mind and reminded us that if we can stay present and mindful for 3 breathes we are doing well.

This week I've been contemplating the idea of acceptance; of myself and of not knowing...

Our homework this week is;

- Body Scan meditation, daily
- Sitting meditation for 5-10 minutes, paying attention to breath, daily
- Workbook, Pleasant Events, one per day
- Daily mindful activity
- One mindful meal

Here are some poems about Mindfulness 

~ Future Forward

Mindful Images

As I practise mindfulness I keep seeing new things which bring me joy, sooooo I thought I'd share a few!

The first was during one of my self care baths I suddenly noticed how the only strip of square tiles to be all colour, without a white tile was directly below the seam of the tiles above. In becoming aware of this I noticed how this made me feel content and joyful, I giggled at how simply silly and yet wildly wonderful this was to me.

Walking my dog the other day, something I do 4 times a day, I suddenly noticed how beautifully vibrant the red branches of this bush were. I walked down this street, passed this bush, many times but had never noticed it before. It's pure unassuming beauty made me smile with joy, it was life a gift.

Again walking my dog, the sound of busy birds brought my attention and mindfulness to a hedge, I suddenly noticed how stunningly attractive the bright orange and red berries were, such a treat in the cold, dark dead of winter.

I'm blessed with a healthy, active, curiosity; something which at times has felt like a curse, but in reality has helped me to live mindfully at time.

I grew up in cities and for a long time considered myself a city person. In the last 5 years, after spending 15 years living in a small town, I have realised that I am no longer a city person. This has not been easy for me to accept. I almost feel strange admitting that I'm not a city person, what on earth will my city friends think?

My true acceptance has come in understanding that for me nature holds the most wonderful gifts, which can only be truly appreciated through mindfulness. The odd way a tree has grown, the shape, colour and feel or a rock, the emerald green of ferns and moss, the delight of witnessing the animals who live in the forest - these things have always brought me great joy and heartfelt love for myself and my environment. I think in the future I will allow myself to spend more time in nature, without purpose, just simply being and enjoying all the endless gifts there are to be found.

~ Future Forward

2 Inspirational Films

Life Cycle Film

How To Be Alone

Mindful Based Stress Reduction and Relaxation

I just returned from my first MBSR class. I was a little nervous going in, a little shy making eye contact but I reminded myself to remain open minded, and grateful for my lack of expectations.

It was a fairly large group of 17 and every seat was taken, I felt privileged to be part of the group. Brett Peterson led the session, his calm, confident, strong voice reassuring me. After the 'house keeping' and general notes about the class we had to find a partner and introduce ourselves, my anxiety increased with my heartbeat, the experience made me a little uneasy but I found pleasure and comfort in hearing my partners thoughts.

We then introduced ourselves to the group, ekkk, one of my dreaded tasks. It felt easier than I expected and I was able to be a little more open then I was with my partner, admitting depression without fear of judgement. We stated our name, why we were there and what our concerns, if any, were. This is what I said;

"I'm here to find a healthy tool for dealing with anxiety, depression and stress. Over the last year I have been doing a lot of healing work and a concern I have is that I may get emotional. I started meditating a few weeks ago and after my first 10 minute session I got very emotional. I didn't expect this so I wanted to warn you all that it might happen."

It felt affirming to be open and shameless about who I am and what my fears were.

Next we did an eating meditation. Brett gave us each a raisin and with mindfulness we examined the raisin as if we had never seen one before. We looked at it's wrinkles and crevices, watched how the light reflected off it, smelt it, listened to it while squeezing it between our finger and thumb (yes they make a noise!) and finally we placed it in our mouths. We noticed our desires or impulses before intentionally chewing and swallowing the raisin.

I discovered that, with awareness I was able to find beauty and joy in something I had regarded as ugly, this brought me happiness. Brett talked about how as children we discovered things for the first time but as things became common or ordinary to us we created a concept or idea of what that thing is. If we decide the raisins are boring or tasteless we enter eating one with this idea and eat the idea rather than the raisin itself. For me this really resonated with people, how when someone pigeonholes you it can make it hard to change because you are stuck in their assumptions of who you are.

Next we did a Body Scan Meditation, we lay on the floor and were guided by Brett to bring awareness and breathe to each area of our body. I noticed that when I was able to remain present and mindful, of his voice and my body, I felt relaxed. When thoughts occurred or I felt restless, I judged myself, I was annoyed and frustrated about this and then I judged the judgements and the anxiety increased.

Our homework is to do a 15 minute guided Body Scan Meditation daily, to bring mindfulness to one activity daily such as brushing your teeth and once during the week to eat one meal mindfully, in silence. 

It was a wonderful first class, I am excited to be part of this program and was very encourage to learn that it is actually being applied in the Vancouver School System in a program called MindUP. This program was introduced to Vancouver schools thanks to the actress Goldie Hawn and her Hawn Foundation.

~ Future Forward

Healing Helpers

There are so many different approaches to healing, sometimes it can be hard to know which is best. My primary focus is currently healing myself. Generally speaking I am fairly healthy, I have an old shoulder injury that flared up but aside from that I just feel run down and out of balance. I am doing the best I can to set myself up for success to heal myself but I can't do it alone, in isolation, the reality is I need all the help I can get! I've included links to the wonderful healers I see, I highly recommend all of them. 

Therapy - Shanti Centre
I traditionally had mixed feelings about therapy, over the last five years I saw four therapists, but I didn't connect with any of them. Part of the problem was that I didn't trust or understand the process. Around this time last year I invested in seeing a therapist regularly for at least a year. It hasn't been easy or comfortable but it has been extremely rewarding. Looking back at the last year I am so proud of my courage, dedication and progress. Subtle but very real shifts have occurred which have changed my life. I am so thankful for this gift that I am investing in myself.

Acupuncture - Burnaby Acupuncture
I don't hold much faith in Western medicine, sure it has a place but it's not always the best or only way approach. The problem is that it often works in isolation, we are holistic beings, our body effects our mind and vice versa. Such narrow focus seems extremely limiting to me.

I admit I was scared to try acupuncture. I have a lot of courage but can't stand needles, even seeing someone get an injection on TV makes me squeamish. In 2006 I injured my shoulder snowboarding (rotator cuff tear). I tried everything and after 6 months of ongoing pain I finally broke down and tried acupuncture. It healed me. 

This time around it was my hormones which motivated me to seek out an acupuncturist. Being a woman can be tough, fluctuating hormones heavily impact moods, disposition, out look on life and ability to cope. I've always suffered from terrible PMS but it took me year as to link my extreme shifts from pessimism to optimism with my ministration cycle.  When I finally made this connection it was a huge relief for me because I honestly had felt like I was going crazy on a monthly basis! 

With awareness and observation I now understand that when I'm ovulating I feel wonderfully confident, hopeful and optimistic. I feel like anything is possible, the world is my oyster. My magnetism and ability to influence and charm were heightened. I could nail any interview or presentation.

Conversely, the way I feel during the week or so of PMS is overwhelmingly hopelessness and pessimism. Really all I want to do is curl up in a dark corner alone and hide. 

Obviously monthly shifts of this intensity can severely impact careers, relationships and general well being. The constant fluctuations are unsettling and confusing.

Body Talk - The Body Talk Clinic by Christa Lynn
A friend introduced me to Body Talk, last week I had my first session, it happened to be on the same day as my acupuncture session.

Interestingly one of the first things Christa noted was that my Yin energy was low or weak - exactly the same thing my acupuncturist had noticed hours before!

The first thing that came up was fear in my lungs. Christa detected the following self belief - "I can do it myself". This really surprised me because my family always reminded me that from a very young age my favourite saying was "I can do it my big self". Obviously they found my fierce independence amusing but on reflection I think this self belief has narrowed or limited my ability to receive help or collaborate with others.

The second thing that came up was anger and resentment stored in my liver and a mantra - "It is safe to shine" This really resonated with me, from a young age I learnt to contain my fire, my passion and energy as I felt it overwhelmed people. I sensed that my parents were already struggling to cope and didn't want to be a burden so I learnt to dull my shine for the benefit of others. Recently one of my biggest struggles has been connecting my true self, my dreams and my purpose (career), I can see now how hard that would be if I wasn't

The third thing was my skin, holding my back from creating bonds, as well as receiving love and support. The self belief "I am responsible" came up which strongly resonated with me as I have always felt responsible for my own safety and survival. For as long as I can remember I learnt not to trust others for my well being and learnt to only trust myself because that was the only thing I could control.

The final area was my hurt left shoulder where I carried a lot of anger, sadness and grief. Christa also noted that my collar bone was out of alignment. After working on this area the pain was gone and my shoulder wasn't as rounded, my posture was more open.

I look forward to my next session!

~ Future Forward

Self Care 101

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection." (Buddha)

Self Care is anything we do to care for ourselves with love and respect.

The opposite of self care is self damaging behaviour, such as; smoking, drinking too much, doing drugs, eating poorly, not exercising, ect. People often result to self damaging behaviour as a result of depression, yet self care actually helps alleviate depression.

I have often felt that it was easier (and more pleasurable or rewarding) to care for others than for myself. In the past I've felt more motivated to make an extra effort for someone else, I think there was a part of me that felt it was selfish to put myself first.

When I divorced in 2006 one of the things I struggled with most was cooking for myself. Not out of lack of ability, I did all the cooking when I was married, but lack of motivation. If I was cooking for someone else I would go all out, nothing but the best ingredients, hours spent lovingly preparing delicious feasts, and yet cooking for myself seemed pointless, meaningless.

I didn't value myself enough to make the effort but now I really get that taking time to cook for myself is a way of loving myself, which in turn empowers me, increases my self esteem and my motivation to give myself even more gifts of self care. 

Over time I have come to better understand the value of self care. I've learnt that when I care lovingly for myself not only do I become more inspired and motivated but my self esteem also increases.

Below are some of the things I do to care for myself, no longer chores they have become enjoyable opportunities to love myself;

* Starting and ending my day by taking time to care for my skin, washing my face, exfoliating and moisturising - the result - looking in the mirror and seeing beautiful, healthy, fresh skin!! (which in turn reminds me to drink more water)

* Eating regularly. When I feel stressed and depressed I lose my appetite and 'forget' to eat which in turn effects my mood and ability to cope with stress - it's a losing game.

* Exercise. Research has shown that even a 5 minute walk can lift your mood and reduce depression (why do you think dog owners are so happy?) When I'm exercising regularly I also eat, sleep and think better.

* Paint my toenails. The only love affair I currently have is with myself, but heck yes I'm worth it! Seeing my pretty colourful toenails makes me smile.

* Watch less TV - Listen to more Music. The Red Hot Chili Peppers had it right "throw away your television" A guilty pleasure... but seriously, overuse is unhealthy. Over the last year I abused it, filling the silence, it became my 'friend' a loud, bossy demanding friend. Yes it's great for avoiding dealing with your life, living vicariously through others, and I agree that shows like Hoarders make us 'feel better' about our own lives cause heck, at least it's not as bad as theirs. Ultimately TV is unhealthy, it saps creativity and the flicker rate induces a hypnotic effect, stopping us from reaching out potential. 

My absolute favourite though is.... drum roll please... a hot bubble bath with Epsom salts in a candlelit bathroom listening to my favourite bath soundtrack Massive Attack - Blue Line (click to listen) This has been my number 1 bath soundtrack consistently since 1994!



~ Future Forward

Evolve LIfe Project - Week 1

I've been thinking about how to more concisely communicate what Evolve Life Project is. At it's core it's about transforming your life by consciously and intentionally making lifestyle changes. But it's also more than that, it's adopting a fresh approach to life, almost like imagining you only had 6 months to live.

It's a holistic approach to life; a balance between body (yoga, activity) and the mind (meditation, creative projects).  It's also about using both the right and left sides of our brain, for me through writin, for others that might be drawing. It's about becoming more aware, through mindfulness, as to what saps our energy and clutters our mind, for me that's TV and worrying too much about things outside my control. 

Life constantly challenges us and we can end up living a life out of alignment with our values. This disconnect can create a gap between the person we have become and who we really want to be. We may have the best of intentions yet seem powerless in making long lasting changes in our life.

Evolve Life Project is an opportunity to Fast Forward into the person we really want to be. 

By setting SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely) it is possible to progress in small but meaningful steps, on a daily basis, towards transforming our lives. 

My first week of 'Evolve Life' has been more powerful and uplifting then I could have ever hoped for. I was truly ready and willing for this in a way I never could have been a year ago. 2011 was all about retrospection, introspection, healing, grieving (I lost my father and two grandparents in 3 short years). It was slow, painful and took me to the depths of despair, at times I thought I would never recover, and yet I have.

During 2011 I learnt about awareness, catapulted by an amazing program called North Shore Compass, or what I like to call 'learning how to be an adult'. Sadly due to changes in government funding this amazing, life changing program will cease to be available as of this spring.

This week I focused on daily meditation, yoga, reading and writing, as well as bucket loads of self care; eating well, sleeping well and generally being good to myself. I've been practising mindfulness and positive thinking and have noticed shifts in myself. I feel uplifted, hopeful and focused.

~ Future Forward