Looking back at my life... My first 5 years were fairly stable, parents were together, lived in the same house, in London UK. Ages 5-18 I lived with my mom in Canada, we moved home almost annually and the environment was unstable and unconventional. My mom was into punk music, anarchy and worked in theatre; there were often 'colourful' characters around. My childhood was about as far from conservative, ordinary or normal as you can get.
Considering all this it's surprising that after graduating high school I decided to move to Oxford, UK complete two business degrees and get married, all by age 24. I had a very conservative job working for an international corporation and a 3 bedroom house, I worked hard to live up to what I perceived to be other people's expectations. After a seven year marriage, aged 31, I unintentionally began my transformation. I left my husband, moved back to Canada and...from there due to death in the family and life catching up with me, I stalled.
Now aged 37, I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I am becoming more aware of how I thought my main duty in life was to please people, particularly my family. I don't feel like I truly choose to go to university or get married, it was like I was in a dream or living on automatic. I didn't feel like I had options because I was so compelled to be accepted and loved by my family and I thought this was how I could achieve that.
I feel very lucky to have had those opportunities and I enjoyed going to university and even being married, but they weren't the only options available and they weren't the best suited for me. In deciding to live my life for other people I lost myself.
My transformation is about healing what has passed, finding the real me that I lost along the way and becoming the woman I want to be. Right now I feel like I have a foot in both camps, the old me feels comfortable, reliable, familiar, the new me feels uncertain, fearful and alone. Transformations are tough because you have to have faith, you have to be able to believe in yourself and in the world around you. Without that there is no hope.
I miss the energy I get from being around other people, but during this intense time I find that being around others a little overwhelming. I've been isolating myself, I find it hard to have the courage to connect with people. I think its because during this transformation I feel ungrounded, dynamic maybe a little ethereal. In social settings people are driven to understand people, to see which box they fit in. I don't know what to tell people about who I am or what I do, it makes me anxious. I'm also scared of my core fears and beliefs coming up, if I hide away there is less chance of being rejected or not liked.
Maybe I need to work first on reconnecting with the true me by spending more time doing the things which make me happy and are aligned with my values and passions. Once I am more in touch with my true identity I will feel more grounded and able to go out into the world and connect with others.
Sounds like a plan!
~ Future Forward
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