Transforming???

The last 6 years have been particularly challenging, with many different types of loss, all of which have taken their toll. This last year I've been doing lot's of good, tough work with a therapist as well as making time to process a lot of emotional stuff on my own. It's provided mental space, some clarity and slowly my understanding and compassion flow.

Looking back at my life... My first 5 years were fairly stable, parents were together, lived in the same house, in London UK. Ages 5-18 I lived with my mom in Canada, we moved home almost annually and the environment was unstable and unconventional. My mom was into punk music, anarchy and worked in theatre; there were often 'colourful' characters around. My childhood was about as far from conservative, ordinary or normal as you can get.

Considering all this it's surprising that after graduating high school I decided to move to Oxford, UK complete two business degrees and get married, all by age 24. I had a very conservative job working for an international corporation and a 3 bedroom house, I worked hard to live up to what I perceived to be other people's expectations. After a seven year marriage, aged 31, I unintentionally began my transformation. I left my husband, moved back to Canada and...from there due to death in the family and life catching up with me, I stalled.

Now aged 37, I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I am becoming more aware of how I thought my main duty in life was to please people, particularly my family. I don't feel like I truly choose to go to university or get married, it was like I was in a dream or living on automatic. I didn't feel like I had options because I was so compelled to be accepted and loved by my family and I thought this was how I could achieve that. 

I feel very lucky to have had those opportunities and I enjoyed going to university and even being married, but they weren't the only options available and they weren't the best suited for me. In deciding to live my life for other people I lost myself.

My transformation is about healing what has passed, finding the real me that I lost along the way and becoming the woman I want to be. Right now I feel like I have a foot in both camps, the old me feels comfortable, reliable, familiar, the new me feels uncertain, fearful and alone. Transformations are tough because you have to have faith, you have to be able to believe in yourself and in the world around you. Without that there is no hope.

I miss the energy I get from being around other people, but during this intense time I find that being around others a little overwhelming. I've been isolating myself, I find it hard to have the courage to connect with people. I think its because during this transformation I feel ungrounded, dynamic maybe a little ethereal. In social settings people are driven to understand people, to see which box they fit in. I don't know what to tell people about who I am or what I do, it makes me anxious. I'm also scared of my core fears and beliefs coming up, if I hide away there is less chance of being rejected or not liked.

Maybe I need to work first on reconnecting with the true me by spending more time doing the things which make me happy and are aligned with my values and passions. Once I am more in touch with my true identity I will feel more grounded and able to go out into the world and connect with others.

Sounds like a plan!

~ Future Forward

Core Self Beliefs and Fears

We all have a unique set of self beliefs, they can help explain why sometimes people react overly sensitively to situation or help to better understand one another. Our core self beliefs and fears have a major impact on our lives and yet many of us are completely unaware the stories we tell ourselves.

Our core beliefs shape our perceptions, experiences, decisions and ultimately our lives. Detecting them takes self awareness, sometimes a dramatic or traumatic experience can help make our core beliefs become more apparent.

Core beliefs come from the messages we heard from our parents or from our early experiences. They are often learnt at a very young age becoming part of the fabric of our lives, often without our knowledge or consent.

When you feel yourself becoming unusually upset or reacting strongly to a situation this can be an indicator of a core belief. If you are able to stop and reflect on why you are having this emotional response you might be able to detect an underlying self belief.

No one can make you feel a certain way - if someone is making you feel 'stupid' for example, it is only because you have a self belief that you are stupid, you may even be looking for chances to verify your belief. The classic example is if someone says "you're a 400 pound black woman" you would not respond emotionally because this is obviously ridiculous and untrue - yet if someone says something which you (even partly) believe then you will be more sensitive because it triggers deep rooted core self beliefs.

I had a situation with a friend recently which brought to the surface a bunch of my core self beliefs and fears. It was an extremely painful experience, yet it did offer a unique opportunity gain insight into myself, and in turn heal, and grow.

During my conflict with my friend these core fears and self beliefs came up:

Core Fears:
- Fear of disappointing people, letting others down, not living up to expectations
- Fear of making mistakes and the resulting criticism
- Fear of hurting people and being hurt
- Fear of rejection and abandonment
- Fear of not being liked or being considered okay (particularly when getting close to someone and allowing them to see the 'real' me)

Core Beliefs:
- I can't do anything right
- I will never be a success (or considered 'okay' or liked for who I really am)
- I don't believe in myself and neither does anyone else
- I need to protect people from the truth because of their inability to cope

~ Future Forward

Mindfulness Meditation Class Notes

Here are some of my notes from last weeks Mindfulness Meditation class.

We discussed how during meditation the following statements very particularly reassuring and helpful - "just this moment" and "just this breath." Hearing these sayings felt like coming home, back to the present moment because that is really all there is.

We talked about how each sitting or meditation is different, each moment offers something new, sometimes peace other times frustration. I realised that, like snowboarding, meditation offers a chance to practise working through pain and discomfort. When I go snowboarding the first hour or so feels hard, my muscles are stiff and cold, as I ease into the day and get warmed up snowboarding becomes easier and more enjoyable. As I experiment with longer meditations I am finding something similar, at first my mind and body are restless but as I settle into it and work passed the frustration my body and mind begin to relax more and the sitting becomes more peaceful and enjoyable. 

Pain in body -> frustration -> awareness of tension -> intention to relax -> pain eases

We talked about judging ourselves and how important it is to have compassion for yourself, it's human nature to judge! But it's helpful to distinguish out thoughts from ourselves. A thought is just an event in the mind, we are not our thoughts yet we tend to give them too much credence. The language we use reinforces our experience, so instead of saying "I am angry" we could say "I see anger rising" instead of "I am sad" try "I am aware of sadness."

In our (Western) culture it can be hard to love ourselves or be kind to ourselves. Self hatred, self abuse and self damaging behaviour almost seems more normal. Someone once asked the Dalai Lama about self hatred, he had no understanding of this concept, there was no translation in his language. 

Brett introduced us to a couple useful concepts (tools);  

The 3-Minute Breathing Space:  (Useful when dealing with stressful or overwhelming situation - spend one minute on each stage)

1.  (Awareness - Truth of the Moment):  Tuning into your body and mind. Bring yourself into the present moment by deliberately adopting an erect and dignified posture.  If possible, close your eyes.  Then ask "What is my experience right now . . . in thoughts . . . in feelings . . . and in bodily sensations?"  Acknowledge and register your experience, even if its is unwanted.  You might say silently, "This is the way it is right now"

2.  (Gathering Awareness - Breathing):  Then, gently redirect full attention to breathing, to each inbreath and to each outbreath as they follow, one after the other.  Your breath can function as an anchor to bring you into the present and help you tune into a state of awareness and stillness.

3.  (Expanding into the Body):  Expand the field of awareness around your breathing to include a sense of the body as a whole.  Remain receptive to sensations and return to the body when the mind drifts off.

Loving-Kindness (Metta) Phrases: (Include with daily mediation, used as an antidote to fear and anxiety and for opening your heart)

Offer Loving Kindness first to yourself, then to a close friend, then a neutral person and finally to someone you have a difficult relationship with.

- May I be safe from inner and outer harm

- May I be happy and peaceful

- May I be healthy and strong in my body

- May I live with ease in this world

~ Future Forward

As I Began to Love Myself – Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin

As I Began to Love Myself – Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin (aged 70)

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”

What an amazing man! It is also interesting to see that even all those years ago people were struggling with the same problems we struggle with today, all part of being human.

~ Future Forward

3rd Mindful Based Stress Reduction and Relaxation Class

My 3rd class - this week was 'Awareness of Pleasant Experiences and Feelings'

 

We started the class with some light yoga, being mindful of how our body feels which each stretch and pose. We used intention with each movement. At the end Brett read the following poem...

If I Had My Life Over - by Nadine Stair

If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

In our discussion which followed Brett talked about how the goal of Mindful Meditation is not an empty mind but to stay present. We start each meditation with an intention to stay present, Brett reminded us of how powerful intention is.

Some people were frustrated with their inability to stop thinking. Brett offered the following insights; Try to feel less compelled by your thoughts, try to engage with them less, see them for what they really are. Naming them can be helpful - that's a thought - that's a judgement - I'm planning - I'm beating myself for doing this 'wrong'. As a therapist he told us that naming things for what they really are and being able to sit with it rather than avoid it, helps us most in letting go of them. This awareness of what's actually happening is in itself mindfulness!

We reviewed our homework of being aware and recording a pleasant event each day, recalling how we knew it was pleasant, how our bodies felt. We discussed the compulsion to sometimes cling to pleasant feelings and to resist unpleasant feelings. To seek pleasure and avoid pain is human nature. Buddhist call this a recipe for suffering. Everything is constantly shifting.

"Buddhist teachings point out that suffering arises when we resist whatever is happening in the present moment. When we don't accept the moment as it is, we suffer. While it is the most natural thing in the world to try to avoid pain, pain is unavoidable; it is a fact of life. When we resist this fact, we suffer."

We ended the class with some walking meditations, focusing on the sensations and feeling of our soles touching the floor, starting each step and each turn with intention.

 

Homework:

 

- Alternate Body Scan with Mindful Movement (yoga)

- Daily sitting meditation for 10-15 minutes, attention on breath

- Fill out unpleasant event calender each day

- Practise being mindful of going on "automatic pilot", paying attention to when, and under what circumstances, it occurs. What pulls you off centre? What do you most not want to look at or be with? 

 

~ Future Forward

Eastern Healing

I have been on a healing path for just over a year now. It all started with a course called North Shore Compass January 2011, then I started weekly therapy. With the New Year came some big life changes which have resulted in me feeling very run down and unwell. In addition to this I have been suffering from some pretty intense pain in my left shoulder which is restricting activity in my life. I think my body is telling me it's time to put the brakes on!

I am so pleased with my decision to add Body Talk to my healing, I am going twice a month and have found my first two session invaluable. I tried physio for my shoulder but was no happy with the results so I am now going to acupuncture but of course the great thing about eastern approach to medicine is that they never treat anything in isolation so I am being treated for far more than a shoulder injury.

Acupuncture - Burnaby Acupuncture

I had my second session yesterday. I highly recommend Theresa and Luke, they offer a superior service and fantastic value, both my session have been almost 2 hours and only $60.

What I particularly like about eastern medicine is how natural and holistic the approach is. Theresa takes time to check my blood pressure, look at my tongue, ask how my diet, poo, sleep and moods are. She looks at the big picture which seems so much more natural. I feel far more comfortable talking to her than I would my doctor. She also takes the time to explain things to me which, although I don't always understand, I do appreciate.

I will admit it was a bit more painful this time! The needles going in aren't painful it's the final push into, what feels like the muscle, which hurts. This time I got 2 in my belly, a few in my leg and knee, and lot's in my shoulder, forearm and hand, the later were attached to the electric pulse machine. It felt uncomfortable but bearable, only slightly like torture training!

After the needles came out (relief!) Theresa used cupping on my shoulders and later on my back. It's funny how even though the cupping hurt more it is in someways more bearable because there are no needles, amazing how anticipation and our perception effect our experiences.

After the cupping on my back Theresa said 'Dr Luke will come give you a massage'. It was unlike any massage I have ever had but it felt very healing.

I got more herbal pills, which I am loving. They help with appetite and the enzymes in my stomach. Theresa explained that if we don't have any appetite and force ourselves to eat our bellies aren't able to absorb the nutrients. The pills give me a very healthy appetite but I seem to crave smaller, healthier meals and have actually lost weight!

~ Future Forward