Future Forward

Transforming???

2012-02-26T05:00:00.006-08:00

I've been feeling disconnected from my true identity, unsure of who I am and generally lost for a while now. The last 6 years have been particularly challenging, with many different types of loss, all of which have taken their toll. This last year I've been doing lot's of good, tough work with a therapist as well as making time to process a lot of emotional stuff on my own. It's provided mental space, some clarity and slowly my understanding and compassion flow.

Looking back at my life... My first 5 years were fairly stable, parents were together, lived in the same house, in London UK. Ages 5-18 I lived with my mom in Canada, we moved home almost annually and the environment was unstable and unconventional. My mom was into punk music, anarchy and worked in theatre; there were often 'colourful' characters around. My childhood was about as far from conservative, ordinary or normal as you can get.

Considering all this it's surprising that after graduating high school I decided to move to Oxford, UK complete two business degrees and get married, all by age 24. I had a very conservative job working for an international corporation and a 3 bedroom house, I worked hard to live up to what I perceived to be other people's expectations. After a seven year marriage, aged 31, I unintentionally began my transformation. I left my husband, moved back to Canada and...from there due to death in the family and life catching up with me, I stalled.

Now aged 37, I'm trying to pick up the pieces. I am becoming more aware of how I thought my main duty in life was to please people, particularly my family. I don't feel like I truly choose to go to university or get married, it was like I was in a dream or living on automatic. I didn't feel like I had options because I was so compelled to be accepted and loved by my family and I thought this was how I could achieve that.

I feel very lucky to have had those opportunities and I enjoyed going to university and even being married, but they weren't the only options available and they weren't the best suited for me. In deciding to live my life for other people I lost myself.

My transformation is about healing what has passed, finding the real me that I lost along the way and becoming the woman I want to be. Right now I feel like I have a foot in both camps, the old me feels comfortable, reliable, familiar, the new me feels uncertain, fearful and alone. Transformations are tough because you have to have faith, you have to be able to believe in yourself and in the world around you. Without that there is no hope.

I miss the energy I get from being around other people, but during this intense time I find that being around others a little overwhelming. I've been isolating myself, I find it hard to have the courage to connect with people. I think its because during this transformation I feel ungrounded, dynamic maybe a little ethereal. In social settings people are driven to understand people, to see which box they fit in. I don't know what to tell people about who I am or what I do, it makes me anxious. I'm also scared of my core fears and beliefs coming up, if I hide away there is less chance of being rejected or not liked.

Maybe I need to work first on reconnecting with the true me by spending more time doing the things which make me happy and are aligned with my values and passions. Once I am more in touch with my true identity I will feel more grounded and able to go out into the world and connect with others.

Sounds like a plan!

~ Future Forward

Core Self Beliefs and Fears

2012-02-25T20:26:00.001-08:00

We all have a unique set of self beliefs, they can help explain why sometimes people react overly sensitively to situation or help to better understand one another. Our core self beliefs and fears have a major impact on our lives and yet many of us are completely unaware the stories we tell ourselves.

Our core beliefs shape our perceptions, experiences, decisions and ultimately our lives. Detecting them takes self awareness, sometimes a dramatic or traumatic experience can help make our core beliefs become more apparent.

Core beliefs come from the messages we heard from our parents or from our early experiences. They are often learnt at a very young age becoming part of the fabric of our lives, often without our knowledge or consent.

When you feel yourself becoming unusually upset or reacting strongly to a situation this can be an indicator of a core belief. If you are able to stop and reflect on why you are having this emotional response you might be able to detect an underlying self belief.

No one can make you feel a certain way - if someone is making you feel 'stupid' for example, it is only because you have a self belief that you are stupid, you may even be looking for chances to verify your belief. The classic example is if someone says "you're a 400 pound black woman" you would not respond emotionally because this is obviously ridiculous and untrue - yet if someone says something which you (even partly) believe then you will be more sensitive because it triggers deep rooted core self beliefs.

I had a situation with a friend recently which brought to the surface a bunch of my core self beliefs and fears. It was an extremely painful experience, yet it did offer a unique opportunity gain insight into myself, and in turn heal, and grow.

During my conflict with my friend these core fears and self beliefs came up:

Core Fears:
- Fear of disappointing people, letting others down, not living up to expectations
- Fear of making mistakes and the resulting criticism
- Fear of hurting people and being hurt
- Fear of rejection and abandonment
- Fear of not being liked or being considered okay (particularly when getting close to someone and allowing them to see the 'real' me)

Core Beliefs:
- I can't do anything right
- I will never be a success (or considered 'okay' or liked for who I really am)
- I don't believe in myself and neither does anyone else
- I need to protect people from the truth because of their inability to cope

~ Future Forward

Mindfulness Meditation Class Notes

2012-02-25T00:06:00.001-08:00

Here are some of my notes from last weeks Mindfulness Meditation class.

We discussed how during meditation the following statements very particularly reassuring and helpful - "just this moment" and "just this breath." Hearing these sayings felt like coming home, back to the present moment because that is really all there is.

We talked about how each sitting or meditation is different, each moment offers something new, sometimes peace other times frustration. I realised that, like snowboarding, meditation offers a chance to practise working through pain and discomfort. When I go snowboarding the first hour or so feels hard, my muscles are stiff and cold, as I ease into the day and get warmed up snowboarding becomes easier and more enjoyable. As I experiment with longer meditations I am finding something similar, at first my mind and body are restless but as I settle into it and work passed the frustration my body and mind begin to relax more and the sitting becomes more peaceful and enjoyable.

Pain in body -> frustration -> awareness of tension -> intention to relax -> pain eases

We talked about judging ourselves and how important it is to have compassion for yourself, it's human nature to judge! But it's helpful to distinguish out thoughts from ourselves. A thought is just an event in the mind, we are not our thoughts yet we tend to give them too much credence. The language we use reinforces our experience, so instead of saying "I am angry" we could say "I see anger rising" instead of "I am sad" try "I am aware of sadness."

In our (Western) culture it can be hard to love ourselves or be kind to ourselves. Self hatred, self abuse and self damaging behaviour almost seems more normal. Someone once asked the Dalai Lama about self hatred, he had no understanding of this concept, there was no translation in his language.

Brett introduced us to a couple useful concepts (tools);

The 3-Minute Breathing Space: (Useful when dealing with stressful or overwhelming situation - spend one minute on each stage)

1. (Awareness - Truth of the Moment): Tuning into your body and mind. Bring yourself into the present moment by deliberately adopting an erect and dignified posture. If possible, close your eyes. Then ask "What is my experience right now . . . in thoughts . . . in feelings . . . and in bodily sensations?" Acknowledge and register your experience, even if its is unwanted. You might say silently, "This is the way it is right now"

2. (Gathering Awareness - Breathing): Then, gently redirect full attention to breathing, to each inbreath and to each outbreath as they follow, one after the other. Your breath can function as an anchor to bring you into the present and help you tune into a state of awareness and stillness.

3. (Expanding into the Body): Expand the field of awareness around your breathing to include a sense of the body as a whole. Remain receptive to sensations and return to the body when the mind drifts off.

Loving-Kindness (Metta) Phrases: (Include with daily mediation, used as an antidote to fear and anxiety and for opening your heart)

Offer Loving Kindness first to yourself, then to a close friend, then a neutral person and finally to someone you have a difficult relationship with.

- May I be safe from inner and outer harm

- May I be happy and peaceful

- May I be healthy and strong in my body

- May I live with ease in this world

~ Future Forward

As I Began to Love Myself – Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin

2012-02-17T08:00:00.000-08:00

As I Began to Love Myself – Self Love Poem by Charlie Chaplin (aged 70)

As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody As I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow.
Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit steeling my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything the drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worry about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where EVERYTHING is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But As I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems
with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born.Today I know THAT IS “LIFE”

What an amazing man! It is also interesting to see that even all those years ago people were struggling with the same problems we struggle with today, all part of being human.

~ Future Forward

Depression Hurts

2012-02-16T00:45:00.000-08:00

Depression Hurts is the name of an ad campaign here in Canada which aims to increase awareness. It's encouraging to see increased communications around this mental illness.

There is an unfortunate stigma around mental illness, particularly depression, yet it impacts a significant percentage of the population, regardless of culture, education, gender, affluence, like other diseases, it does not discriminate.

CTV produced an interesting video about depression in relation to sports which helps to provide some interesting insights Darkness and Hope: Depression, Sports and Me

Many people who suffer from depression are scared or shy to admit it to their friends and family, instead they choose to struggle on their own.

I know that I find it far easier to admit to suffering from anxiety or stress than depression because I'm worried how people will perceive and judge me. I find that unless someone has experienced depression themselves, they are unable to truly comprehend it and therefore have compassion for what it's like. It's almost like talking about death or grief, people seem uneasy, almost as if it were contagious.

As much as I wish it weren't the case, I'm beginning to accept that depression has long been a part of my life. For many years I was in denial, I was terrified that by admitting that I was depressed that it would make it more true and that I would then take on the responsibility of doing something about it. It seemed so much easier to bury my head in the sand.

I read something interesting in a book called 'Inside a Dog' by Alexandra Horowitz, the exert is below;

People who work with rats in laboratories sometimes describe their animals' "depression" or their exuberant natures. Some rats seem lazy, some are cheery; some pessimistic, some optimistic. The researchers took two of these characterizations -- pessimism and optimism -- and gave them operational definitions: definitions in terms of behavior that allow us to determine whether real differences in the rats can be seen. Instead of simply extrapolating from how humans look when pessimistic, we can ask how a pessimistic rat might be distinguished by its behavior from an optimistic one.

Thus, the rats' behavior was examined not as a mirror to our own but as indicating something about...rats: about rat preference and rat emotions. Their subjects were placed in tightly restricted environments: some were "unpredictable" environments, where the bedding, cage mates, and the light and dark schedule were always changing; others were stable, predictable environments.

The experimental design took advantage of the fact that, hanging out in their cages with little to do, rats quickly learn to associate new events with simultaneously occurring phenomena. In this case, a particular pitch was played over speakers into the cages of the rats. It was a prompt to press a lever: the lever triggered the arrival of a pellet of food. When a different pitch was played and the rats pressed the lever, they were greeted with an unpleasant sound and no food. These rats, reliably like lab rats before them, quickly learned the association. They raced over to the food-dispensing lever only when the good-harbinger sound appeared, like young children rallied by the jingle of an ice-cream truck. All of the rats learned this easily. But when the rats were played a new sound, one between the two learned pitches, what the researchers found was that the rats' environment mattered.

Those who had been housed in a predictable environment interpreted the new sound to mean food; those in unstable environments did not. These rats had learned optimism or pessimism about the world.

I grew up in an extremely unstable environment, for example moving almost every year. This excerpt helped me find compassion for my pessimistic view of the world (or what I liked to call being realistic) and the decisions I have made based on this outlook.

Another book I read recently which offered a helpful insight into depression was 'All That Glitters' a fascinating and inspiring story by Canadian ice climber Margot Talbot (one of the best books I've read!) Margot talks about how anger is really deep rooted sadness. My anger has always scared me and understanding this also helped me find compassion.

There are many ways of managing depression. For me prescription drugs is not something I am willing to consider, for others they are helpful. In dealing with my depression I am looking for a way of understanding and coping not a quick fix, band aid or mask.

In fact many of the things I have written about so far in this blog have been strategies for managing my depression. I was simple to scared and shy to admit it, until today.

If you suffer from depression I urge you to seek help, to speak to people about your emotions and feelings. I know from experience there is a strong urge to isolate yourself, 'self medicate' or deny your true feelings, I also know this behaviour only magnifies the problem.

It is possible to live a productive, successful and even happy life if you suffer from depression, but accepting that you can't just wish it away is half the battle.

~ Future Forward

3rd Mindful Based Stress Reduction and Relaxation Class

2012-02-02T22:07:00.000-08:00

My 3rd class - this week was 'Awareness of Pleasant Experiences and Feelings'

We started the class with some light yoga, being mindful of how our body feels which each stretch and pose. We used intention with each movement. At the end Brett read the following poem...

If I Had My Life Over - by Nadine Stair

If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances. I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

In our discussion which followed Brett talked about how the goal of Mindful Meditation is not an empty mind but to stay present. We start each meditation with an intention to stay present, Brett reminded us of how powerful intention is.

Some people were frustrated with their inability to stop thinking. Brett offered the following insights; Try to feel less compelled by your thoughts, try to engage with them less, see them for what they really are. Naming them can be helpful - that's a thought - that's a judgement - I'm planning - I'm beating myself for doing this 'wrong'. As a therapist he told us that naming things for what they really are and being able to sit with it rather than avoid it, helps us most in letting go of them. This awareness of what's actually happening is in itself mindfulness!

We reviewed our homework of being aware and recording a pleasant event each day, recalling how we knew it was pleasant, how our bodies felt. We discussed the compulsion to sometimes cling to pleasant feelings and to resist unpleasant feelings. To seek pleasure and avoid pain is human nature. Buddhist call this a recipe for suffering. Everything is constantly shifting.

"Buddhist teachings point out that suffering arises when we resist whatever is happening in the present moment. When we don't accept the moment as it is, we suffer. While it is the most natural thing in the world to try to avoid pain, pain is unavoidable; it is a fact of life. When we resist this fact, we suffer."

We ended the class with some walking meditations, focusing on the sensations and feeling of our soles touching the floor, starting each step and each turn with intention.

Homework:

- Alternate Body Scan with Mindful Movement (yoga)

- Daily sitting meditation for 10-15 minutes, attention on breath

- Fill out unpleasant event calender each day

- Practise being mindful of going on "automatic pilot", paying attention to when, and under what circumstances, it occurs. What pulls you off centre? What do you most not want to look at or be with?

~ Future Forward

Eastern Healing

2012-02-02T18:36:00.000-08:00

I have been on a healing path for just over a year now. It all started with a course called North Shore Compass January 2011, then I started weekly therapy. With the New Year came some big life changes which have resulted in me feeling very run down and unwell. In addition to this I have been suffering from some pretty intense pain in my left shoulder which is restricting activity in my life. I think my body is telling me it's time to put the brakes on!

I am so pleased with my decision to add Body Talk to my healing, I am going twice a month and have found my first two session invaluable. I tried physio for my shoulder but was no happy with the results so I am now going to acupuncture but of course the great thing about eastern approach to medicine is that they never treat anything in isolation so I am being treated for far more than a shoulder injury.

Acupuncture - Burnaby Acupuncture

I had my second session yesterday. I highly recommend Theresa and Luke, they offer a superior service and fantastic value, both my session have been almost 2 hours and only $60.

What I particularly like about eastern medicine is how natural and holistic the approach is. Theresa takes time to check my blood pressure, look at my tongue, ask how my diet, poo, sleep and moods are. She looks at the big picture which seems so much more natural. I feel far more comfortable talking to her than I would my doctor. She also takes the time to explain things to me which, although I don't always understand, I do appreciate.

I will admit it was a bit more painful this time! The needles going in aren't painful it's the final push into, what feels like the muscle, which hurts. This time I got 2 in my belly, a few in my leg and knee, and lot's in my shoulder, forearm and hand, the later were attached to the electric pulse machine. It felt uncomfortable but bearable, only slightly like torture training!

After the needles came out (relief!) Theresa used cupping on my shoulders and later on my back. It's funny how even though the cupping hurt more it is in someways more bearable because there are no needles, amazing how anticipation and our perception effect our experiences.

After the cupping on my back Theresa said 'Dr Luke will come give you a massage'. It was unlike any massage I have ever had but it felt very healing.

I got more herbal pills, which I am loving. They help with appetite and the enzymes in my stomach. Theresa explained that if we don't have any appetite and force ourselves to eat our bellies aren't able to absorb the nutrients. The pills give me a very healthy appetite but I seem to crave smaller, healthier meals and have actually lost weight!

~ Future Forward

Body Talk - Second Session

2012-01-31T14:09:00.000-08:00

My 2nd Body Talk session with Christa Lynn was amazing! I found it deeply comforting, reassuring and healing. I'm surprised how much she covers in one session, it's very holistic and comprehensive. I wish I could recount it all in detail but it's hard to remember all the details, I will do my best.

I noticed my anxiety increasing as I travelled to the session, all the way up to her office door, I hesitated, but relaxed when I was welcomed by a glowing Christa, big warm smile and accepting hug.

We spent a little time discussing how things were going for me, any health concerns or things that were present for me. I was still feeling a little unsure as to how to proceed or what to share with Christa but I decided to remain open minded and trust that what came up was worth sharing.

I lay on the bed and we started the Body Talk session with my pancreas which helped me to re-connect and love my true inner self. During my session Christa asked me to repeat two mantras, which were;

"It is safe to express my true self"

"I give myself permission to honour my true self and my true life"

We worked on cell repair in my heart centre, visualising a gold ball in my head and drawing it down to my heart. I think its true that I have led my life with my head more than my heart or soul and I look forward to balancing this.

Christa told me that the pain in my left shoulder is partly caused by resistance in my life, resisting my true inner self. This really resonated for me and helped open my mind to how many of the decisions in my life have been made based on the expectations of others, wanting to please.

Christa mentioned hand chakras, how everything we touch effects us, our hands help create in our life.

Christa noticed that my stress centre, located at the back of my brain, was switched on. This effects the nervous system causing stress and pain to seem more intense and stay with us longer. She used Body Talk to help switch it off so I can continue my healing process, stay calmer, deal with stress better.

She asked me to say my name at birth to help connect with my true calling, path purpose.

She talked about needing to feel more joy in my heart. She talked about how as a society we have learnt to find false joy in shopping, addictions, substances, ect - but the apparent joy we gain from these things is not genuine or lasting. Pure joy comes from our heart. Christa said that water helps us connect with joy. She asked me to imagine that every time I drink water I am filling my heart with joy. To spend time walking by water. I extended this to being in water, my love of floating in hot, salty bubble baths.

There was so much more wisdom and insight that I gained from my session but that is all that I can recall right now.

At the end of me session I asked Christa a little more about the other services she offers. She is a Usui Reiki Master and teaches Reiki, she explained how she offers Reiki in conjunction with Body Talk to help heal people. For example she has cancer patience or people who use her services before and after surgery to help avoid infection and help help incisions. Reiki and Body Talk have helped to reduce the side effects of chemotherapy such as hair loss and nausea.

Christa also mentioned that she is a shamanic healer and that this healing art has been practised for over 40,000 years and many modern medical practises and pharmaceuticals stem from shamanism. I feel very privileged to be seeing Christa and am so grateful to have her as part of my team of healers.

~ Future Forward

Human Beings not Human Doings

2012-01-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

Tonight was my 2nd Mindful Based Stress Reduction class. I had a rough day and was feeling overwhelmingly agitated, angry and sad. We started the class with a long Body Scan meditation which was helpful.

In the discussion after Brett talked about how we not only become used to comfort, but demand it. The itch which must be scratched, the uncomfortable position we are urged to shift, our desire for pleasure can be overwhelming. While this might seem like a logical response it leaves little room for acceptance of the reality of discomfort.

Brett talked about the duality of comfort/discomfort, light/dark, ups/downs, pleasure/pain; you can't have one, joy, without the other, sadness. The benefit of learning to accept discomfort is the ability to create space for things like grief. When you focus on pain or discomfort it often shifts, it is dynamic, an urge to sneeze can mysteriously disappear once it is given awareness and acceptance.

A large part of the mindfulness practise is learning to come off auto-pilot so if you are going to scratch that itch or shift positions during meditation it is recommended that you do so with intention.

We talked about how hard it can be to let go of 'doing' and being okay with just 'being' - accepting the present moment for exactly what it is - letting go of fantasy, fixing, worrying, judging, planning...

"Worrying is like planning for what you don't want"

After our discussion we discussed our homework from last week which led to some more interesting insights and then we did our first sitting meditation. Brett told us of a way to use counting to help focus our mind and reminded us that if we can stay present and mindful for 3 breathes we are doing well.

This week I've been contemplating the idea of acceptance; of myself and of not knowing...

Our homework this week is;

- Body Scan meditation, daily
- Sitting meditation for 5-10 minutes, paying attention to breath, daily
- Workbook, Pleasant Events, one per day
- Daily mindful activity
- One mindful meal

Here are some poems about Mindfulness

~ Future Forward

Mindful Images

2012-01-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

As I practise mindfulness I keep seeing new things which bring me joy, sooooo I thought I'd share a few!

The first was during one of my self care baths I suddenly noticed how the only strip of square tiles to be all colour, without a white tile was directly below the seam of the tiles above. In becoming aware of this I noticed how this made me feel content and joyful, I giggled at how simply silly and yet wildly wonderful this was to me.

Walking my dog the other day, something I do 4 times a day, I suddenly noticed how beautifully vibrant the red branches of this bush were. I walked down this street, passed this bush, many times but had never noticed it before. It's pure unassuming beauty made me smile with joy, it was life a gift.

Again walking my dog, the sound of busy birds brought my attention and mindfulness to a hedge, I suddenly noticed how stunningly attractive the bright orange and red berries were, such a treat in the cold, dark dead of winter.

I'm blessed with a healthy, active, curiosity; something which at times has felt like a curse, but in reality has helped me to live mindfully at time.

I grew up in cities and for a long time considered myself a city person. In the last 5 years, after spending 15 years living in a small town, I have realised that I am no longer a city person. This has not been easy for me to accept. I almost feel strange admitting that I'm not a city person, what on earth will my city friends think?

My true acceptance has come in understanding that for me nature holds the most wonderful gifts, which can only be truly appreciated through mindfulness. The odd way a tree has grown, the shape, colour and feel or a rock, the emerald green of ferns and moss, the delight of witnessing the animals who live in the forest - these things have always brought me great joy and heartfelt love for myself and my environment. I think in the future I will allow myself to spend more time in nature, without purpose, just simply being and enjoying all the endless gifts there are to be found.

~ Future Forward

2 Inspirational Films

2012-01-20T00:05:00.000-08:00

Life Cycle Film

How To Be Alone

Mindful Based Stress Reduction and Relaxation

2012-01-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

I just returned from my first MBSR class. I was a little nervous going in, a little shy making eye contact but I reminded myself to remain open minded, and grateful for my lack of expectations.

It was a fairly large group of 17 and every seat was taken, I felt privileged to be part of the group. Brett Peterson led the session, his calm, confident, strong voice reassuring me. After the 'house keeping' and general notes about the class we had to find a partner and introduce ourselves, my anxiety increased with my heartbeat, the experience made me a little uneasy but I found pleasure and comfort in hearing my partners thoughts.

We then introduced ourselves to the group, ekkk, one of my dreaded tasks. It felt easier than I expected and I was able to be a little more open then I was with my partner, admitting depression without fear of judgement. We stated our name, why we were there and what our concerns, if any, were. This is what I said;

"I'm here to find a healthy tool for dealing with anxiety, depression and stress. Over the last year I have been doing a lot of healing work and a concern I have is that I may get emotional. I started meditating a few weeks ago and after my first 10 minute session I got very emotional. I didn't expect this so I wanted to warn you all that it might happen."

It felt affirming to be open and shameless about who I am and what my fears were.

Next we did an eating meditation. Brett gave us each a raisin and with mindfulness we examined the raisin as if we had never seen one before. We looked at it's wrinkles and crevices, watched how the light reflected off it, smelt it, listened to it while squeezing it between our finger and thumb (yes they make a noise!) and finally we placed it in our mouths. We noticed our desires or impulses before intentionally chewing and swallowing the raisin.

I discovered that, with awareness I was able to find beauty and joy in something I had regarded as ugly, this brought me happiness. Brett talked about how as children we discovered things for the first time but as things became common or ordinary to us we created a concept or idea of what that thing is. If we decide the raisins are boring or tasteless we enter eating one with this idea and eat the idea rather than the raisin itself. For me this really resonated with people, how when someone pigeonholes you it can make it hard to change because you are stuck in their assumptions of who you are.

Next we did a Body Scan Meditation, we lay on the floor and were guided by Brett to bring awareness and breathe to each area of our body. I noticed that when I was able to remain present and mindful, of his voice and my body, I felt relaxed. When thoughts occurred or I felt restless, I judged myself, I was annoyed and frustrated about this and then I judged the judgements and the anxiety increased.

Our homework is to do a 15 minute guided Body Scan Meditation daily, to bring mindfulness to one activity daily such as brushing your teeth and once during the week to eat one meal mindfully, in silence.

It was a wonderful first class, I am excited to be part of this program and was very encourage to learn that it is actually being applied in the Vancouver School System in a program called MindUP. This program was introduced to Vancouver schools thanks to the actress Goldie Hawn and her Hawn Foundation.

~ Future Forward

Healing Helpers

2012-01-16T09:17:00.000-08:00

There are so many different approaches to healing, sometimes it can be hard to know which is best. My primary focus is currently healing myself. Generally speaking I am fairly healthy, I have an old shoulder injury that flared up but aside from that I just feel run down and out of balance. I am doing the best I can to set myself up for success to heal myself but I can't do it alone, in isolation, the reality is I need all the help I can get! I've included links to the wonderful healers I see, I highly recommend all of them.

Therapy - Shanti Centre
I traditionally had mixed feelings about therapy, over the last five years I saw four therapists, but I didn't connect with any of them. Part of the problem was that I didn't trust or understand the process. Around this time last year I invested in seeing a therapist regularly for at least a year. It hasn't been easy or comfortable but it has been extremely rewarding. Looking back at the last year I am so proud of my courage, dedication and progress. Subtle but very real shifts have occurred which have changed my life. I am so thankful for this gift that I am investing in myself.

Acupuncture - Burnaby Acupuncture
I don't hold much faith in Western medicine, sure it has a place but it's not always the best or only way approach. The problem is that it often works in isolation, we are holistic beings, our body effects our mind and vice versa. Such narrow focus seems extremely limiting to me.

I admit I was scared to try acupuncture. I have a lot of courage but can't stand needles, even seeing someone get an injection on TV makes me squeamish. In 2006 I injured my shoulder snowboarding (rotator cuff tear). I tried everything and after 6 months of ongoing pain I finally broke down and tried acupuncture. It healed me.

This time around it was my hormones which motivated me to seek out an acupuncturist. Being a woman can be tough, fluctuating hormones heavily impact moods, disposition, out look on life and ability to cope. I've always suffered from terrible PMS but it took me year as to link my extreme shifts from pessimism to optimism with my ministration cycle. When I finally made this connection it was a huge relief for me because I honestly had felt like I was going crazy on a monthly basis!

With awareness and observation I now understand that when I'm ovulating I feel wonderfully confident, hopeful and optimistic. I feel like anything is possible, the world is my oyster. My magnetism and ability to influence and charm were heightened. I could nail any interview or presentation.

Conversely, the way I feel during the week or so of PMS is overwhelmingly hopelessness and pessimism. Really all I want to do is curl up in a dark corner alone and hide.

Obviously monthly shifts of this intensity can severely impact careers, relationships and general well being. The constant fluctuations are unsettling and confusing.

Body Talk - The Body Talk Clinic by Christa Lynn
A friend introduced me to Body Talk, last week I had my first session, it happened to be on the same day as my acupuncture session.

Interestingly one of the first things Christa noted was that my Yin energy was low or weak - exactly the same thing my acupuncturist had noticed hours before!

The first thing that came up was fear in my lungs. Christa detected the following self belief - "I can do it myself". This really surprised me because my family always reminded me that from a very young age my favourite saying was "I can do it my big self". Obviously they found my fierce independence amusing but on reflection I think this self belief has narrowed or limited my ability to receive help or collaborate with others.

The second thing that came up was anger and resentment stored in my liver and a mantra - "It is safe to shine" This really resonated with me, from a young age I learnt to contain my fire, my passion and energy as I felt it overwhelmed people. I sensed that my parents were already struggling to cope and didn't want to be a burden so I learnt to dull my shine for the benefit of others. Recently one of my biggest struggles has been connecting my true self, my dreams and my purpose (career), I can see now how hard that would be if I wasn't

The third thing was my skin, holding my back from creating bonds, as well as receiving love and support. The self belief "I am responsible" came up which strongly resonated with me as I have always felt responsible for my own safety and survival. For as long as I can remember I learnt not to trust others for my well being and learnt to only trust myself because that was the only thing I could control.

The final area was my hurt left shoulder where I carried a lot of anger, sadness and grief. Christa also noted that my collar bone was out of alignment. After working on this area the pain was gone and my shoulder wasn't as rounded, my posture was more open.

I look forward to my next session!

~ Future Forward

Self Care 101

2012-01-09T22:34:00.000-08:00

"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe,

deserve your love and affection." (Buddha)

Self Care is anything we do to care for ourselves with love and respect.

The opposite of self care is self damaging behaviour, such as; smoking, drinking too much, doing drugs, eating poorly, not exercising, ect. People often result to self damaging behaviour as a result of depression, yet self care actually helps alleviate depression.

I have often felt that it was easier (and more pleasurable or rewarding) to care for others than for myself. In the past I've felt more motivated to make an extra effort for someone else, I think there was a part of me that felt it was selfish to put myself first.

When I divorced in 2006 one of the things I struggled with most was cooking for myself. Not out of lack of ability, I did all the cooking when I was married, but lack of motivation. If I was cooking for someone else I would go all out, nothing but the best ingredients, hours spent lovingly preparing delicious feasts, and yet cooking for myself seemed pointless, meaningless.

I didn't value myself enough to make the effort but now I really get that taking time to cook for myself is a way of loving myself, which in turn empowers me, increases my self esteem and my motivation to give myself even more gifts of self care.

Over time I have come to better understand the value of self care. I've learnt that when I care lovingly for myself not only do I become more inspired and motivated but my self esteem also increases.

Below are some of the things I do to care for myself, no longer chores they have become enjoyable opportunities to love myself;

* Starting and ending my day by taking time to care for my skin, washing my face, exfoliating and moisturising - the result - looking in the mirror and seeing beautiful, healthy, fresh skin!! (which in turn reminds me to drink more water)

* Eating regularly. When I feel stressed and depressed I lose my appetite and 'forget' to eat which in turn effects my mood and ability to cope with stress - it's a losing game.

* Exercise. Research has shown that even a 5 minute walk can lift your mood and reduce depression (why do you think dog owners are so happy?) When I'm exercising regularly I also eat, sleep and think better.

* Paint my toenails. The only love affair I currently have is with myself, but heck yes I'm worth it! Seeing my pretty colourful toenails makes me smile.

* Watch less TV - Listen to more Music. The Red Hot Chili Peppers had it right "throw away your television" A guilty pleasure... but seriously, overuse is unhealthy. Over the last year I abused it, filling the silence, it became my 'friend' a loud, bossy demanding friend. Yes it's great for avoiding dealing with your life, living vicariously through others, and I agree that shows like Hoarders make us 'feel better' about our own lives cause heck, at least it's not as bad as theirs. Ultimately TV is unhealthy, it saps creativity and the flicker rate induces a hypnotic effect, stopping us from reaching out potential.

My absolute favourite though is.... drum roll please... a hot bubble bath with Epsom salts in a candlelit bathroom listening to my favourite bath soundtrack Massive Attack - Blue Line (click to listen) This has been my number 1 bath soundtrack consistently since 1994!

~ Future Forward

Evolve LIfe Project - Week 1

2012-01-09T08:06:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about how to more concisely communicate what Evolve Life Project is. At it's core it's about transforming your life by consciously and intentionally making lifestyle changes. But it's also more than that, it's adopting a fresh approach to life, almost like imagining you only had 6 months to live.

It's a holistic approach to life; a balance between body (yoga, activity) and the mind (meditation, creative projects). It's also about using both the right and left sides of our brain, for me through writin, for others that might be drawing. It's about becoming more aware, through mindfulness, as to what saps our energy and clutters our mind, for me that's TV and worrying too much about things outside my control.

Life constantly challenges us and we can end up living a life out of alignment with our values. This disconnect can create a gap between the person we have become and who we really want to be. We may have the best of intentions yet seem powerless in making long lasting changes in our life.

Evolve Life Project is an opportunity to Fast Forward into the person we really want to be.

By setting SMART goals (specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely) it is possible to progress in small but meaningful steps, on a daily basis, towards transforming our lives.

My first week of 'Evolve Life' has been more powerful and uplifting then I could have ever hoped for. I was truly ready and willing for this in a way I never could have been a year ago. 2011 was all about retrospection, introspection, healing, grieving (I lost my father and two grandparents in 3 short years). It was slow, painful and took me to the depths of despair, at times I thought I would never recover, and yet I have.

During 2011 I learnt about awareness, catapulted by an amazing program called North Shore Compass, or what I like to call 'learning how to be an adult'. Sadly due to changes in government funding this amazing, life changing program will cease to be available as of this spring.

This week I focused on daily meditation, yoga, reading and writing, as well as bucket loads of self care; eating well, sleeping well and generally being good to myself. I've been practising mindfulness and positive thinking and have noticed shifts in myself. I feel uplifted, hopeful and focused.

~ Future Forward

Ommmmm... How Do I Do This?

2012-01-06T08:00:00.000-08:00

I have long been aware of the value of meditation, in theory, but had not been brave enough to try it myself, until this week.

I've been intending to incorporate meditation into my lifestyle for over a year now but I felt blocked. This might sound silly to some, to others it might resonate... In all honesty, I was scared to try meditation, I felt a huge amount of fear, apprehension and anxiety which stopped my from trying. Maybe I wasn't ready.

Last summer I bought a meditation pillow. I thought the pillow would help remind me to meditate, ground and focus me. Instead it sat in my closet, unused for months.

This week, the beginning of my 'Life Evolve Project' I finally made the leap of faith and started meditating for 5 minutes each evening. I used an 'app' on my iPhone called Simply Being which I'm enjoying.

The first three evenings I meditated for 5 minutes a night, I found it surprisingly enjoyable and beneficial. By the 4th night I was ready to try 10 minutes. Despite barking dogs and my dog Daz trying his best to get my attention I completed the full 10 minutes.

Coming out felt a little odd like the end of good yoga session; my heart felt lifted, my soul felt filled with love and there was a genuine sense of peace. In fact I was so overwhelmed by unexpected emotion that I started to cry. Tears of grief for not having discovered this powerful tool earlier. I felt sorrow for all the years I spent trying to find other ways to cope, often unhealthy and damaging alternatives. I wept also with relief and joy at having finally discovered such a powerful and meaningful tool.

My personal discovery of meditation has only just begun. I think incorporating meditation into my lifestyle will absolutely be life changing for me.

~ Future Forward

Be Mindful How You Go

2012-01-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Zen masters call mindfulness a miracle, the Buddha spoke of mindfulness as the direct path to enlightenment. Anyone can do it, it is time enhancing and it changes everything.

The foundation of Mindfulness is curiosity and being more fully present with your experience. Deliberately paying attention and being fully aware of what is happening inside your body, heart, mind; and also your environment.

Mindfulness is respectful awareness, without judgement, criticism or comparing. Simply witnessing with warmth, kindness, openness and acceptance.

Mindfulness is a capability we all posses, and like anything in life, if practised regularly it can be cultivated. The opposite is mindlessness like when you're on autopilot or not really present. Without mindfulness the mind wonders elsewhere, lost in thoughts about the past and future. The future hasn’t happened yet and the past is over. When you are not present you waste mental and emotional energy, the mind is less fresh and open.

Our society conditions us to be mindless; valuing productivity, busyness, speed, efficiency and success. When we live mindlessly we can feel dull, disconnected, dissatisfied, anxious and unhappy, it creates a gap between us and everything, and everyone else.

When we are present everything becomes clear and vivid, we are in the zone and experience 'peak moments' of complete awareness. When mindfulness is practised anything we bring our full attention to will begin to open up and reveal worlds we never suspected existed.

Mindfulness is a powerful stress management tool, training your mind to return to the present no matter what is happening.

I am only beginning to learn about mindfulness, it seems like a wonderful asset to posses, I'm curious to learn more in the 'Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction & Relaxation Program' I'm enrolled in.

* Concepts above were inspired by a wonderful book called 'The Mindfulness Revolution, edited by Barry Boyce'.

~ Future Forward

My 'Life Evolve Project' Plan

2012-01-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

In case you were wondering... What exactly is the 'Life Evolve Project'? What are my intentions? What do I hope to achieve? How am I going to do this?

My 2 personal 'Life Evolve Project' overall goals are to;
1) Cultivate a Healthy Body & Mind
2) Learn to truly Love & Respect Myself

I plan to achieve this with;

Yoga & Meditation
Mindfulness
Writing & Reading
Creativitive projects: Photography Show & Art Project
Walking, Swimming, Biking, Snowboarding

My specific goals are;

Yoga daily at home daily +3 classes weekly
Meditate daily (increasing to 30m per day)
Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction & Relaxation Workshop (45m per day + weekly class)
Writing daily - journal, reflections, Future Forward blog
Reading daily, see reading list
Produce and show a Photography art project
Create and share my 'Home History' art project
Walk 30+ minutes daily
Swim 3 x weekly

Snowboard regularly, improve switch and air skills

Bike to Granville Island, weekly

Wish me luck!!

~ Future Forward

My Reading List

2012-01-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

I have always loved books, mostly I love the information and ideas they allow me to access. I of course enjoy fiction, but I have a special affinity with non-fiction. My personal collection is filled with local history, flora and fauna books, as well as the usually suspects – self help books.

I now appreciate that some things cannot be fully understood simply from reading a book. 2011 was a year of reflection, grief and healing. After many years of doubt I found a therapist I wanted to work with and I was ready to begin make the investment in myself. The powerful shifts I experienced in therapy could never have happened simply from reading books. One can understand an idea in theory but is only through experience that someone can truly comprehend an idea.

Books are a great resource, a tool to support us, they need to be part of a bigger plan. One cannot experience life without actually living it firsthand, it`s the feelings and emotions that make life full and rich. Part of my holistic approach to my Life Evolve Project is my Reading List: I will post my notes and reviews as I progress, in no particular order;

The Mindfulness Revolution – Leading Psychologists, Scientists, Artists and Meditation Teachers on the Power of Mindfulness in Daily Life – Edited by Barry Boyce
The Shadow Effect – Illuminating the Hidden Power of your True Self – Deepak Chopra, Debbie Ford, Marianna Williamson
Nonviolent Communication A Language of Life – Marshall Rosenberg
A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life`s Purpose – Eckhart Tolle
How not to be Afraid of your Own Life – Opening Your Heart to Confidence, Intimacy, and Joy – Susan Piver
The Dance of Intimacy – A Woman`s Guide to Courageous Acts of Change in Key Relationships – Harriet Lerner
The Dance of Anger – A Woman`s Guide to Changing Patterns of Intimate Relationships – Harriet Lerner
Self Esteem – A proven program of cognitive techniques for assessing, improving and maintaining your self-esteem – Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning
The Courage to be Yourself – A Woman`s Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem – Sue Patton Thoele
How to be an Adult in Relationships – The Five Keys to Mindful Loving – David Richo

~ Future Forward

Foundation Ideas for 'Life Evolve Project'

2012-01-02T14:39:00.000-08:00

Developing Daily Practises

Awareness of oneself and ones environment, learning to listen to your gut and trust your intuition
Mindfulness, learning to stay present, appreciate and enjoy the simplicities of life
Positive Thinking, you create what you think, your thoughts are powerful, choose wisely
Compassion, for yourself and for others, choose to observe without judgement
Aliveness, connect with your values, passions and inner child – do more of what makes you feel most alive
Courage, to move beyond fear, push your comfort levels and boundaries, say yes to more, have the courage to live a life true to yourself, free from others expectations
Faith, in the value of the process, learn to focus less on the outcome, the teacher will appear when the student is ready

Guiding Principles

Allowing yourself to live in the moment, enjoy your life and be happy!
Embracing yoga and meditation - beauty in simplicity
Be open to opportunities by learning to shift your perspectives
Bravely express your true feelings in relationships and other communication
Stay in touch with friends - maintain a healthy support network

Ultimate Self Care

Treat yourself to the ultimate prescription in self love, care and compassion. Care for your mind and body with a holistic menu of daily meditation, yoga, healthy diet lovingly prepared for yourself. Start each day with a pledge to listen to your inner voice and to be kind to yourself. Try loving and caring for yourself as if you were your own child, a unique cherished individual worthy of the utmost care, deepest love and most honourable respect.

Success

Discovering your true authentic self, passions, values, purpose and community
A lifelong commitment to self love and self care while staying true to ourselves
Feeling connected, embrace and love your true authentic self
Lifelong tools of awareness, mindfulness and compassion
Ability to feel more alive while also having more courage and faith
Decreased stress, anxiety and depression - stress management tools
An opportunity to immerse yourself in the process and demonstrate faith in the outcome without expectation
Increased self esteem through understanding the value of goal setting and feeling proud of accomplishments

~ Future Forward

Motivation for 'Life Evolve Project'

2012-01-01T21:42:00.000-08:00

We live busy, complex lives in a society over-saturated by technology, corporate culture and mass media. It’s not surprising that we're often left feeling disconnected with ourselves, our values, our passions, our inner selves, our ability to cope and ultimately with our true identity. The last time many of us truly felt ourselves was when we were children. Blissfully naive, unburdened by stress and responsibility, free from judgements or expectations. The beauty of childhood, is the ability to unabashedly be yourself.

As we mature into teenagers we become increasingly aware of our external image, we compare ourselves with our peers, or worse yet, celebrities or media icons. We also become aware of the expectations from family, friends, teachers (often to suit their own agendas). Many of us learn to please others by putting their needs before our own in an attempt to make others happy (an impossible mission). Often we are left feeling inadequate, that we don’t measure up this increases our insecurities decreasing our self esteem. If we learn to trust external factors more than our inner self it contributes to a lifetime of stress, anxiety and depression.

As we get older our lives become ever more complex, in the process we become more disconnected, life's set setbacks and losses can contribute to stress, anxiety and depression. When we lose touch with the value of our inner self we work against ourselves, we feel awkward, we mistrust our intuition, we often use self-distructive tools in a futile attempt to cope, eventually we lose touch with what really makes us happy. Lack of self awareness, decreased self esteem in turn limits our growth potential, our ability to cope and ultimately our ability to evolve.

The Answer - Life Evolve Project

Imagine giving yourself a beautiful gift, a dedication to invest 6 months in intentionally living your life on purpose while also cultivating a healthier lifestyle. It takes time to create change and implement real long lasting lifestyle changes. Choosing to give yourself permission to live a meaningful, rich full life, nurturing your mental, physical and creative well being.

Instead of taking a 6 month trip to escape to far off places - imagine how rewarding it would be to give yourself time 6 months to connect with your true authentic inner self. Time spent learning, remembering how to love and care for yourself by exploring your passions, moving beyond fear and embracing life.

Using tools like yoga, meditation, mindfulness, writing and art to learn new life skills for coping with stress, anxiety and depression. Investing time to get to know your true authentic inner-self. Access the gifts of innate wisdom of our bodies and minds.

Make an investment in getting closer to becoming the person you want to become by bringing your future forward creating space and time to prioritise yourself, fill your daily life with activities that connect with your passions and reflect your core values. The Life Evolve Project aims to accelerate self development by intentionally directing focus, time and energy.

~ Future Forward